11 Midweek Musings

anxiety relief elders Jan 17, 2024

I've spent the last week alone for the first time in a long, long time. It's been powerful. Soothing. Horrifying. Confronting. But wholly necessary. My nervous system has needed this space and my mind has needed this processing for a minute. 

Not to mention, I finished a huge chunk of home improvements and am now neck deep (FINALLY) in the book I'm writing. It's been a time of facing stuff and reclaiming stuff. More on that below...


1. Checking in with people.

I get in my head sometimes, how about you? And I've noticed that getting in my head can cause rifts and delusions and divides when I have a mouth to ask and clarify. Recently, I felt anxious about an interaction I had with a friend and asked her point blank if I made her feel the way I was afraid I'd made her feel. She told me she didn't feel at all the way I was worried about and not only was I relieved our relationship was all good, but that I asked because I was gently pulling away in order to protect myself. Imagine if I'd faded into the abyss over something that didn't even affect her!? What a waste. What a save. When it doubt, just check in.


2. Anxiety relief frequencies.

My darling friend sent me this playlist late at night when I was in a tizzy and it soothed so much in me. I woke up and journaled to it as well. Laden with binaural beats (that have been linked to "increased concentration and alertness, problem-solving, and improved memory." Also helpful in enhancing training and learning, according to Healthline. According to WebMD, some studies have linked binaural beats to increased feelings of depression). All I know is, I felt better.


3. Writing as therapy.

Technically, this is called journaling, but for me, it's been different. I've been alone all week writing my book for hours a day. It's a true story about my experience living in the jungle of north shore Maui with my family. It's a story about the mystical sacred land we lived on and who I became as a result of it. I thought it would be a book about spirituality and nature, but the truth is, it's just as much a book about family, childhood psychology and the impact of my father's fame. I realized this place that inspired a whole book out of me wasn't just special because of the place, but also because who my parents were there.

"Writing is therapy," my friend Lucas said to me about it. "You're sharing your heart and story with a neutral, unbiased source. No wonder it's clarifying and emotional."

Every time I write this book, at some point I cry.


4. Being alone to face sh*t.

To be honest, I haven't been alone for more than a few days in years. The last time I was truly alone for an extended period was when I lived in LA in a studio apartment from 2014-2016. Otherwise, it's been partners, family, friends, etc. I've read a lot about how humans are actually not meant to live alone (we never did in tribes around the world), but we do need alone time. After my breakup nearly two years ago, I became very afraid of being alone. I moved in with my parents and shuddered at the idea of being in solitude.

Being in a new relationship that is partially long-distance, I felt triggered and afraid. Every time I was in California, I was with him. Almost every time I was in Maui without him, I would have a friend fly in. After a three month streak of non-aloneness, I was alone. It was refreshing and peaceful at moments, yet deeply anxiety-inducing at other times (mostly after sundown). I found myself sitting up gasping for air in the middle of the night over and over again for days. I was paranoid and worried and depressed and pretty much losing my dang mind. 

To my friend Jewelia who reminded me how long it had been since I'd been alone and comforted me with the anxiety-healing megahertz music above, thank you. Thank you to my friends who soothed my nerves and reminded me young abandonment-triggered part of me I'd seriously be okay. Facing it all and not running to comfort was the only way through.


5. Summarizing key points in my lives as reels.

Social media never ends. It's been the biggest blessing and biggest curse in my life (as so many can probably relate with). And I always have a hard time keeping it authentic when the whole thing is outward facing. What do you want to see? When I do my lives, I feel like I can access a very unique type of flow. Which is why I upload all of them to the Mu Membership so you can take the classes later! Anywho, that's why taking some authentic, channeled key points of those live discussions and making pointed reels has felt like a good sweet spot for me. Have you seen some of them? Check them out and follow me here!


6. Spending time with elders.

Here on Maui, most of the people I know are over the age of 55. It may be because many of them were my parents' friends growing up here, but also because I have the geographical taste of a retiree. I've attended grandkids' birthday parties, potlucks and more with people of this demographic - and honestly, it feels really nice. There's something disarming and comforting about spending time with people older than you. The wisdom, the care, the lack of competition or expectation. In Hawai'i and Eastern cultures, elders are deeply respected. I'd love to always take a piece of that philosophy and lifestyle with me.


7. Not wasting time.

I'm the queen of wasting time socially. I have always struggled to cut people off even if it's a literal emergency (people pleasing/boundaries - I know). This year, I've had such little patience (in a good way though) for anything that's robbing me from my life. I'm cutting to the chase, cutting people off, and saying "no," and "gotta go," a whole lot more. Feelin' good.


8. Linen.

Everything has a vibration and apparently the higher it is, the greater impact it can have on our wellbeing. While most fabrics have a vibration (measured in megahertz) of anywhere from 10-110 mHz, linen vibrates at 5000 mHz! Woah. My sheets are made of this shii and so are my curtains and napkins. I could probably use a few more clothing items if I'm really trying to vibe high, but I'm not quite ready to go full Miami vice.


9. Instacart.

After three months of nonstop travel and chaos, I finally decided I needed to just chill tf out. I didn't leave the house for almost one whole week and it was essential. I'm not one to spend 25% more on groceries, but ordering in so I could keep my streak and still cook for myself was just what I needed. It also gave me a whole extra hour of writing time. Not always, but for this, worth it.


10. Casual convos.

Not small talk, not deep to the depths - just somewhere in between. Maybe shooting the shit? It's that kind of convo that's held between two people sitting on the sidewalk sipping soda pop. It's commentary on the present moment, silly jokes and momentary reflections. You know? Light, but present. I struggle my balls off at this kind of convo with people I love because I always go the deepest parts of my and their souls. It's not sustainable to do that all the time. It's tiring for everyone. I'm learning to I don't know... chat.


11. Vegan ramen.

I gotta figure out how to make this and make it healthy because I can't be shoveling pounds of creamy noodles in my mouth all day long.

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