When Healing Becomes DamagingJul 28, 2021
After nearly two months of a depressive slump, my fiancé Nick looked at me and said, "I'm channeling from source right now, okay? Try to get away from yourself."
"What?" I said confused through my weepy tears. "Staying with myself" had been my mantra for the past few months and it had served me deeply for so long. Going deeper within had been my M.O. for years. I actually thought that might be "the way." (Whoops).
"Try thinking of yourself less."
I didn't take this like I'm a selfish narcissist (though I have done shadow work around that very concept, believe me). He was telling me to stop hyper-focusing, fixing, healing, achieving, forcing, pushing, growing, deconstructing, unpacking, analyzing, evaluating and reflecting.
As the law of reflection would have it, that week, nearly all of my clients told me they were becoming so disciplinarian over the tools, practices and modalities that served them deeply for so long that it was actually becoming harmful. A once therapeutic daily meditation practice for one turned into pulling the car over to meditate because she forgot in the morning and had to do it. For another, it was the once healthy AA program becoming principles becoming so overbearing, he could hardly let himself relax and breathe. For another, it was her lifelong pursuit of perfection that kept her from her own joy. For one, it was the pressures of achieving that left him in debilitating pain.
The tools are there to help. They're there to make us happy. They're there to liberate us. They're there to help us live. We're not meant to live for them. When they stop feeling nourishing, it may be time to pivot - to flow.
It all reminded me of the time I went to Bali. I was a year into my daily 30-minute morning and 30-minute evening meditation practice, freshly certified in yoga, meditation, reiki and Hawaiian healing and I was taking it all very seriously. Naturally, Bali was high on my list: the mecca of healing, wellness and spirituality.
And you know what? I didn't meditate, yoga, or reiki once. I didn't even set foot in a studio. I didn't pray in one temple. I ate, I explored, I got massages and I just hung the f*ck out. That was the healing I needed. That was the wellness that was calling my name.
You grow out of your own wisdom, your own tools, and your own practices. You'll live a day where nothing you thought would ever be cathartic, just is. You'll ebb and flow with what works for you. You'll see results and you'll plateau - only to find the same practice therapeutic once again another day, another week, another decade.
The practices that gave you so much life once, are here for you always. There will be times when you're guided (by you) to use them daily and times where you're guided (by you) to free flow.
Let your wisdom be stronger than your critic.
Let your intuition speak louder than the gurus.
Let there be times where your practices are more fluid than rigid.
Getting deep & living light.
Discipline & pleasure.
Self-care & caring for the planet.
The healing power of nature, movement, clean foods & also
the curative effects of play, a hard laugh, & a slice of cake.
Not one is superior to the other. This is all self-care. This is all wellness. This is all spiritual.
Nick was joking when he said he was channeling "source," but I'm not putting it past him or the universe. This message gave me permission to get fluid again. It gave me the permission to come back to life.
Right now, my personal message is to get out of myself and into the world. It's to drop the self-work for as long as feels nourishing and dive into living. My homework is to have a good time.
"Don't get stuck in the healing phase forever. Remember to step over the threshold into your new way of life." - Lacy Phillips
Where are you on your life journey? What are you truly desiring? Are you stuck in a rut? A rigid routine that no longer serves you, but you don't know where to go from here? Are you actually wanting some discipline and structure right now? I can help you find your personal version of balance. There is no one-size-fits-all.